Satisfy Devotion

How can I explain

Something that's so real

Above the fantasies

You're the one still here

I look upon the sky,

And its changing mood

Realize that this world

Has more than just a moon

An unexpected surprise

Shows me that it's real

With nowhere to hide

You're the one still here

lust gets lost

love finds away

Obsession is tragic

Infatuation simply fades

With laughter so rich,

Our hearts revealed

This bond is so strong

You're the one still here

I shall hold you

Each and every day

With a promise in my heart

I am the one here to stay

My proposal

Something to be thankful for.......

Last year I spend thanksgiving with Shea and her family, this was not my first Thanksgiving with Shea. I also spend 2009 with her family and they were really welcoming and made me feel at home. There was a huge difference between 2009 and 2011 thanksgiving which was due to Shea being diagnose with Melanoma. There was a silence and fear that I felt that thanksgiving night. I realize that even with everyone smiling the fear was in all of us at that table. The doctors had told her she had 3 months to live but Shea would not take that as an answer. She is a fighter and decided to do a trial in NIH(National Institute of Health). It wasn't easy getting in this trial, she had qualify with so many things but she prayed and had faith. This year I had thanksgivings with Courtney's family and Court asked me what I was thankful for? I though about how amazing Shea's recovery had been and how she is still fighting. I send her a text saying "You have come a long way" and she responded with "Miracles do happen". This phrase really touched me. I majored in Nuclear Medicine, I studied every type of Cancer and I dealt with patients with stage IV. I know this is a miracle and I am thankful for NIH, for DR. Rosenberg who took time to do research, worked hard and wants more for people than just another 3 months. I am thankful for intelligent people who are not materialistic but passionate and really want to make a difference. At the same time I felt a little sadness, I have been so busy with work, Court, our new puppy, that I haven't really talk to Shea in a while. I guess we are not as close but I know we are friends and I will be here if she ever needs me. I am thankful for so many things this year, how much I have grown and not only by my words but by my actions. That I have found such a special partner, my health, good friends, a job and for my family. Even as dysfunctional as they can be, I love them and they love me. I posted a picture of me and Shea, this was taken thanksgiving 2011.

My first one year

I have realized that its easier for me to write when things are going bad, but I have a hard time writing about how great this last year has been. Maybe my subconsciousness thinks I will jinx it, and the happiness will go away. I have been in a relationship for 14 months and for the first time in my life I am truly happy. My girlfriend Courtney has filled me with love and happiness. I have never met such an amazing women in my life, she's everything I am not. I have heard people say "she lights up a room" and I never quite knew the meaning until I met Courtney. She has a pure heart with a contagious smile, clear blue eyes that can see right through me and understand me. People say we are a lot alike, but I don't see it at all. I feel like she is everything I wish I could be and for the first time in my life, I don't feel alone. For our one year anniversary we celebrated by each having a day and doing things for each other. I planned a few adventures: we went zip-lining, to a picnic, to the fair and had a romantic dinner in our balcony.

On Courtney's day she planned, sailing for the first time in our small sailboat, making sushi and then took me to the POV at the W. I cherish this relationship and know that she is the one.

Frankenstorm

So this is my first entry and I get to relax because of hurricane Sandy. All I have really written are poems, that I have used as therapy in the last 4 years. They are special to me and they all describe something that touched me deeply. I have never been a good writer but maybe I have focus to much on what the reader thinks. Lately I have grown so much and I'm beginning to really get to know who I am. Its been an amazing journey and I didn't have to do it alone. This past weekend my girlfriend got us tickets to see Wicked in Baltimore. The last show I had seen was The phantom of the Opera in NYC. I really liked it because it showed the true meaning of love but at the same time human emotions like jealousy and passion. I absolutely fell in love with wicked and felt connected from the beginning. Its funny how much we can relate to something that seems so childish and imaginary. Yet it made perfect sense to me, it reminded me how we have choices that make us into who we are.

The good witch showed me that is never to late to change and do good, which usually starts by making the right choices. The wicked witch showed me that it takes a strong character to stand up for what you believe in and be who you really are. It showed that sometimes the hardest thing is usually the right thing. The most precious message I learned from this show is the true meaning of friendship. When the witches sing each other the "For good" song. The following verse really touched me......... "I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you..." I feel like that about so many people who have come in and out of my life, but only one stood out in my mind. A good friend who came into my life in 2009 and has shown me what true friendship is and even tough we had our ups and downs. I will always cherish her and know I am better because I knew her.

I carry on

Without a trace I left
No note left behind
Not a care in the world
I started my car

I though about calling
But I just couldn’t dial
Not a care in the world
Tick tock tick tock

A repetitive case
That’s been closed in the past
Not a care in the world
I sip my red wine

Where you even close?
Could I even compare?
Not a care in the world
Fading out in the air

Words without meaning
Just an actor in this show
Not care in the world
I left you both

I hear a baby crying
I remembered her giggles and smell
Not a care in the world
I sip my red wine again

As this snow falls down
I think of your lips
Not care in the world
Desire comes over me

All that was human
Has been removed from my soul
Not a care in the world
I carry on.

Unconscious

It’s when you can’t think of a reason to keep going
Just a million reasons to quit
It’s when you built walls not to keep people out
Just to close yourself in

When fear takes over you
And you can feel your pulse
When the physical pain gets so bad
That you can’t feel anything at all

Because sometimes it’s the people we love the most
That leaves us with this scar
And maybe the scar is used as a reminder
That all you have to do is survive

There is nothing in the world you can’t get over
No emotional pain you can’t face
No physical wound that won’t heal
When the wild river hits, all you can do is swim ahead

It’s finally realizing that no matter how loud you scream
This world keeps spinning
It’s realizing that you can’t run away from the dark
Because even with its fear, also comes hope in it.

Damaged at best

Blank staring at this paper
With no motivation to write
Caught in my disease of spirituality
Trying to give a damn

Surrendering with a meaning
Could resuscitate me back to life
Or as my world can see it clearly
Maybe I am just bound to die

Between two worlds which are forgiving
Back and forth passes time
Repetition is what I am living
Insanity sets in, fuck my mind

I wish I could care
But there is no motivation to try
This bitter sweet addiction
Tells me I'll never get out alive

Pretending that I care only works a short time
With failures in different places
My mind won't stop pacing
I am bound for sleepless nights

But no drugs in the book can replace you
None can numb a heart
The footsteps have been erased
Yet I am still trying to trace them back

I gave away love for you
Something so rare to find
I gave away Friendships for you,
And didn’t take their helping hands

Family, Money
You have taken them all
Yet it will never be enough
To have my reckless soul back